Life and Thoughts

Sifted like wheat

2009-11-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32

On Sunday Dan preached in Luke 22. As we read through, this verse jumped out at me. It wasn't part of the Sunday message but my mind has been pondering it ever since.

Here's what I see...

1. Satan asked God for permission / access to Simon Peter.

2. Satan wanted to "sift" him.

3. Jesus prayed for him. He prayed for God to help Peter's faith not to fail.

4. Jesus spoke vision for Peter's life.

I'm intruiged!

1. Satan asked for access. Does he always have to ask? Or is it that Peter was in God's care and covering and that's why satan had to ask for access? And the fact that satan asked and the sifting happened... it's implied that God must have said yes? Our good loving God allowed "sifting". So I then believe that sifting is good regardless of the source.

2. "Sifting like wheat". I feel like I know what that feels like. I don't enjoy it at all. But... hardship, challenge, stretching, crisis... produce incredible growth and fruit. Like diamond production from extreme pressure.

3. Jesus prayed for Peter's faith not to fail. Such an interesting prayer. He didn't pray for a miracle to rescue Peter. He didn't pray for satan to stop. He prayed for strength to endure the sifting and for victory. So then God is clearly able to and willing to equip us to get through "sifting". Jesus, please pray that for me too.

4. Peter's life calling was spoken by Jesus in this incredible moment. Jesus was sure that His prayer for Peter would be answered. There was no doubt that his faith would not fail. Because Jesus then said "when you have turned back"... "strengthen your brothers".

This is the spirit of mentoring. The spirit of the Body of Christ in action. Not being perfect. Not having answers. Not having perfect, pain-free lives. But to strengthen others. To en-courage each other as we journey through mountains, valleys, ups, downs. There is a lie that must be broken... that pain, struggle, sifting is an indication of weakness or sin or badness. Sifting is just a part of becoming free from the things that hold us in bondage. We need to be bold in sharing our stories of sifting... even in the midst of it!

Sifting is a gift. Pain from satan's hands = a setting for our greatest growth and victory. And a prerequisite for our life calling which is to strengthen each other.

And check out this interesting metaphor...

A US warship has been built with steel salvaged from the World Trade Center. The steel from a horrid evil "sifting" has been converted into a functioning display of strength and power. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8337868.stm

Jesus, pray for me as I am sifted and rebuilt. Bring people into my life to strengthen me. And anoint me to strengthen others.

Storms calmed

2009-10-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some United Live in the car and there was a line that talked about Jesus calming storms. It got me thinking: If the storm is a metaphor for our circumstances, are we wanting God to calm the storm or are we really wanting to be removed from the water entirely?

For the society Jesus was living in, large areas of water represented death. Surprise storms were commonplace and being a sailor or fisherman had very high danger. So the guys were fully justified in being freaked the night they were caught in a storm. Afterall many of them had been career fishermen. Their fear was based in reality. They woke Jesus up and accused Him of not caring. Jesus confronted their fear and lack of faith. Then He calmed the storm. The guys response? "Who is this that even the wind and waves obey?"

I feel like I'm in a bit of a storm. Circumstances are pretty rough. It feels like we're being thrown about by swollen angry waves and fierce icy winds. Not only would I like the storm to be calmed... I would like to be totally done with this water crossing. But that's an immature hope.

I believe that "deep water" circumstances are part of the journey God has for each of us and they need to be crossed. I'm already seeing my growth because of all the rowing we're doing. :-)

Using a little poetic license, let's say the "storms" are when the enemy or our own fears or just plain old life blow our circumstances out of perspective.

So my heart and prayers have changed. I want to be like Jesus in having peace and rest in the face of the storm. And for Him to calm the distortion of the waters knowing that it will be just a change in perspective, not a change of circumstances.

I fully believe and trust that deep waters do not represent death... and as I journey across them I will learn amazing things about myself and God.

Letting go of "my" things

2009-09-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of the month we started a new very careful spending tracker. We also went through the freezer and pantry and worked out how many meals we could make. I pulled out my cookbooks and used online recipe searches and came up with a great plan to get us through the month. I felt so hopeful and excited. Then came reality.

Josh's sister, her husband and 1 year old moved in with us for a few weeks. It was so great to get time with them... but we plowed through the meals I'd planned. A seed of fear and resentment started to grow in my heart. "My" food was disappearing. "My" money was all gone.

Then miracles started happening. Our neighbors had a freezer issue and gave us a huge bag of chicken (which I combined with some gleaned peppers to make white chili) and a pound of ground buffalo (which became spaghetti bolognaise). I gave half the food back to our neighbors and trusted that God would provide even more. And some friends gave me a pound of coffee, a starbucks gift card and $100 Safeway gift card. AMAZING. God does provide in crazy ways. My faith was renewed and fear melted away. For about a day.

This past Friday our guests were able to move into their new home! But... a few hours later the rest of Josh's family arrived. Josh and his dad head off to a men's camping trip. I made dinner for Josh's mum and cousin and discovered I had another growing emotion: embarrassment. As I dished up the veggie stir-fry I realized how meager the servings were. It was embarrassing to give guests so little.

A few hours later Josh's other sister, husband, two girls and dog arrived. I knew we had plenty of oatmeal I could serve for breakfast and we had milk too! Yes! I was relieved. But the day went on and the question was asked, "Justine, what's for lunch?" Crap! I hadn't even thought about it. My sister-in-law helped me look through the fridge, freezer and pantry. I mumbled, "I'm so sorry. It's been a difficult month."

We found a solution but I also struggled to watch that food go. It would have fed Josh and I for days.

"My" plans for "my" food had been ruined. In my attempts to be thrifty I had become miserly. And I had lost the joy that comes from having people in our home.

I stole a moment and went to the bathroom for some quite time. As I talked to God about my fear and emotions I realized a deep issue. I'm afraid of being hungry. I don't trust that God can provide daily food. ("Our Father in heaven, holy be Your Name... Give us this day our daily bread..."). I had become a hoarder. I hold on to things for when we really really "need" them. For example: I have a pile of gift cards... for a rainy day.

The sad thing is... these things I've been saving... lose their worth. Food has gone stale. Gift cards have expired. I've held on to them because of fear for the future. I've been living with closed hands instead of open. (Hmmm… sounds like same issue the Hebrews had with hoarding manna doesn’t it?!)

I have huge faith for God’s provision for mission trips, for other people, for ministry. But I didn’t trust Him to care about providing for little old me. It seems I have a little martyr complex. How ridiculous. But now I realize why I have had food issues… eating too much instead of being satisfied and trusting that there will be food when I’m hungry again. Again, how ridiculous. But my family struggled when I was young and food was scarce at times. I’m glad God is showing me these issues so I can be free from them. Fear, mistrust, hoarding, holding.
This weekend brought more miracle gifts of money, elk meat and salmon and I gathered 4 bags of veggies and bread from the gleaned food at church on Sunday. God is amazing.

So here's the ultimate point of my ramblings: I am throwing off the mindset of "my" food. It is God's food. He has brought it to me to meet the needs of my family AND for me to be a conduit to meet the needs of others. I want to have open hands so that God’s provision flows through me to others. I’m enjoying splitting our meals in half and giving them to others. I could freeze them for the future… but right now I feel that I’m meant to be having open hands and experiencing God’s loving blessing of daily bread for each day.

Exodus 16
This is what the LORD has commanded: 'Each one is to gather as much as he needs. Take an omer for each person you have in your tent.' "The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. And when they measured it by the omer, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each one gathered as much as he needed. Then Moses said to them, "No one is to keep any of it until morning." However, some of them paid no attention to Moses; they kept part of it until morning, but it was full of maggots and began to smell. So Moses was angry with them. Each morning everyone gathered as much as he needed, and when the sun grew hot, it melted away.

God's goodness

2009-08-02T15:59:00.001-07:00

A month ago my dad had a hernia repair surgery. While he was in the hospital recovering he had a heart attack. I know that God was involved in dad being in the hospital that day. He was moved to the cardiac care unit and received testing and diagnosis by top doctors. If you're going to have a heart attack... there's no better place to be.

This week dad had a quadruple bypass. During the surgery, doctors discovered that dad's aorta was also blocked. After an additional two hours of surgery the doctor was concerned that dad had a stroke during the procedure. And so we prayed... for healing, life, hope.

Honestly, it was hard to know what to pray for. Not that I didn't know what I wanted...

Prayer is interesting. Sometimes prayer is just talking with God about life... knowing Him and being known by Him. That kind of prayer is easy. Sometimes it's about being transformed... Him showing me things I'm bound up in and giving me a path to freedom. That's easy as long as I'm open to being changed. Then there are prayers of request. For myself and others... healing, life, provision.

It's in "requests" that most people hit a crisis. Will God hear me? Will He answer? Will He heal? Will He act? Does He care? Is He mad with me? Did I do something wrong? Why didn't He answer last time?

The beautiful thing about God is He is ready and willing to answer our questions. And over the years I have found answers to most of those questions. But I have a question that has come to my heart in the past couple of years: "What is good"?

I have no question about God being good. I know He is. But what is the true definition of "good"? I think most people define it as "no pain". This definition then creates a wrong basis for expectations or judgments of God being "good".

A month before Avi was due to be born, our doctor found she had a heart problem. Further tests also showed she was small and had short limbs. The specialist said "It could mean down's syndrome but most likely it's dwarfism". In my emotionally overwhelmed state, I didn't know how to pray. I was sad and felt guilty for feeling that way. I should be happy to be having a baby. Isn't a baby with dwarfism (or down's or any other issue) still a blessing? Should I pray for "healing"? Who am I to say that dwarfism isn't "good"? Just because it caused pain and disappointment and different future for us... ??

I faced the same feelings with dad's potential stroke. I didn't know how to pray. The truth is we all will die someday. Over the years I've asked dad, "please don't die". He's always responded with, "Someday I will". Was this the "someday" pre-written by God?

And that's the wrestle of my heart as I bring requests to God. In that wrestle... the struggle to find balance between the two truths of God being sovereign AND prayer being powerful... is a journey towards knowing God more.

I'm inspired and encouraged by Abraham and God's conversation in Gen 18 about the destruction of Sodom. (To read Gen 18: http://tinyurl.com/lzo4oz) Despite being small and finite creatures... God invites us and is excited to have us be part of His plans and kingdom.

I pray for healing... for life... for miracles... not only for the answer to those requests... but to walk with God and see the hugeness of who He is and the eternal perspective of His plan.

Avi's heart issue is gone and she doesn't have a chromosome anomaly. Dad did not have a stroke and is continuing to heal and recover beautifully. God is good. But He is good regardless of Avi and Dad's health.

Now I'm praying for miracle healing for myself. Doctors say I need my neck and lumbar fused. I need new bone, new discs, new muscle, and new nerves... in my spine, arm, hand, neck, lumbar and leg. I'm praying for God to heal me. As I pray, I'm seeing myself with new perspective and considering the plans of God for my life. I'm amazed at His goodness and I'm walking with Him as I wait for His answer to my requests.

John 14:12-14
"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also ; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father. Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it."

Big dreams

2009-07-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

Today's message reminded me to dream big with God. For years I've been encouraging and supporting youth and adults... but I haven't been doing it for myself. The final challenge today was: I will imagine what God can do… for me, for loved ones, for others. And so I'm "imaginating" about healing, adventure, joy, energy and life.
http://www.lakesamm.org/SM_sermonsNEW.asp

Turn a blind eye or take a risk?

2009-07-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

On our morning walks we pass by people from our neighborhood. This morning I had a quick chat interchange with a lady who loved cooing with Avi. We were waiting for the crosswalk lights and only stood together for about a minute. In such a short time, what can be known about someone?

This sweet lady looked to be in her 40s or 50s. Her short-shorts and little tank top exposed scars on her arms and legs. Avi stole her attention and they had a lovely time smiling at each other. She was careful to keep her latte colored skin under the shade of her light pink umbrella. I don't know her story and I know the danger in judging a book by its cover... but she seemed alone, sad and in need.

From my favorite seat at our morning walk mid-point, I had a view of the whole coffee shop. An older petite woman carefully dabbed at her nose as she added sugar to her drink. Her tailored clothes, perfect tan and blonde hair caught my eye. She kept one hand to her face as she turned from the condiment bar. Her huge designer sunglasses must have painful to wear as her nose was covered in medical bandages. I know it's not safe to jump to conclusions... but I wondered if she was happy with who she is on the inside.

The second half of our walk is through a little forest. A teenage girl in a floaty pink dress and brown suede slouchy boots entered the walkway ahead of me. She seemed bewildered by my greeting. I searched for something more to say because the way she walked on her tiptoes and tugged awkwardly at her dress concerned me. Her thick eyeliner was smudged but looked freshly applied. She acted disoriented but didn't respond to my attempts to connect. I shouldn't assume the worst... but as a mother I hope someone would reach out to my daughter if things didn't seem right.

A slight nod and closed mouth smile is the polite and safe greeting as you pass someone on the sidewalk. When I'm walking alone I use it when I pass by men and teens. It says "I'm friendly and nice. Please don't hurt me." For women I really smile and say "hello". Most of them coo and wave at Avi as they pass.

At each of these pass-bys I feel very self-conscious. I want to say, "I know what I look like but my looks are deceptive. Don't judge me by the color of my skin or the scars on my shoulder and neck or the clothes I wear. If you knew my story..." But in such a short time, what can be known about someone?

What is community? What do I hope to get from the people around me? In a society and age where people live fast and focused... I hope that if I seemed alone, sad, low, confused, abused... that someone would notice and reach out to me.

Why do we say "mind your own business"? Please, mind my business. I don't want to be part of a disconnected human race. Shouldn't we care enough to take the risk to reach out to each other?

I wonder who I'll meet on tomorrow's walk.

Integrity

2009-07-13T15:25:00.001-07:00

Dr Phil is talking to a husband and wife who are trying to save their marriage. The wife has had many emotional affairs. She promises they were never physical affairs. Dr Phil said, "I believe you because you're afraid of intimacy. You stop the affairs, not because of integrity, but because of fear of intimacy."

Integrity. Does "integrity" mean "do the right thing." Maybe integrity isn't an action, maybe it's the motivation behind our actions.

I've never thought about it in these terms before. The woman stopped short of physical affairs which could be defined as "doing the right thing". But her motivation isn't to do right. Her motivation is based in fear.

I'm thinking again of Romans 6:12 "Do not let sin control the way you live". That woman has a bondage of fear that is causing a terrible wall between her and her husband... and then she's trying to find intimacy in other places... but the fear follows her to every relationship she's trying to have.

Proverbs 10:9 "People with integrity have firm footing, but those who follow crooked paths will slip and fall."

Some years ago I watched Dave Brunk apologize to someone who, in my perception of the situation, did not deserve an apology. Later, I asked Dave why he asked for forgiveness from someone who was in the wrong. Dave's response was so challenging... "I didn't apologize because he deserved it. I apologized because of who I am."

I felt that his apology meant the other person "won" but Dave wasn't concerned about being right or having "justice". He wanted to make sure his actions reflected his identity.

That's seems like true integrity.

Today at Lake Samm

2009-07-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

Loved today's message by Dick Remington. It was his little side points that spoke the most to me. I was so encouraged by their personal story of waiting for direction for God... especially as it involved two years of waiting. That gives me patience and hope. :-) And I loved his comment about Abraham using his new name despite his lack of children. God is faithful. He speaks vision and He brings it to life.

http://vimeo.com/5571681

Romans 6:12

2009-06-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

Do not let sin control the way you live

So I contemplated... what things (sins) control the way I live? Several came to mind immediately... fear, rejection, jealousy, guilt... and so many more. It's not that I'm controlled by them... but the way I live is affected.

For example, this month is a time of resting and waiting for us. But if I let fearful thoughts in my heart and mind... I would be robbed of the ability to rest. And so fear is a battle for me. I want to be a wise and responsible adult who thinks of the future and plans accordingly... but also to be a woman of peace and joy and faith.

I look back through my life and see that God has been leading me in a journey to be free from fear. I've tried many ways to be free. From researching and thinking things through to minimize the fear of the unknown... to being totally naive and diving in without prethought. But neither results in real freedom.

The cure for these sins that control the way I live... is the same as the reason for my existence: Relationship with God.

Each day, each season... God is transforming me, freeing me... from the things I'm letting control the way I live.

The two sins I feel to focus on praying about now are fear and rejection. God's been speaking to me about fear for many years but I only identified rejection this week. I was thinking through some painful memories and I feel that God showed me that they are all forms of rejection. I spent so many years looking to people to accept and love me... instead of getting my identity from God. I'm relieved to finally know why I haven't been able to let go of that pain.

Now... I'm excited to walk with God towards freedom in these things and more. Do not let sin control the way you live.

Romans 4:17-21

2009-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm loving reading in Romans. Chapter four is about Abraham's faith and it's such an encouragement to mine.

Romans 4:17-21
[Abraham is the father of many nations (of believers) because he] believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before. When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of nations, Abraham believed him. God had also said, "Your descendants will be as numberous as the starts," even thought such a promise seemed utterly impossible! And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father... and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised.

His faith didn't weaken even though he knew real reasons it couldn't happen. Circumstances can be so discouraging. But either God does miracles or He doesn't. And I know first hand that He does. This is just one more reminder for me... not to freak out from fear of the future but to trust God. And I know that this season we're in is preparation for the next season and the next and the next. And it's all part of a sweet journey to knowing Him and bringing glory to His Name.

Romans 1:21-23

2009-06-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

In Grade 9 my friends all had boyfriends. I didn't though. And it made me feel stupid and ugly. So I hatched a plan. I invented a fake boyfriend. My idea was to use the name and identity of a good friend who lived in another city. I knew enough about him to have a good fake story. And what I didn't know, I would make up. He would be the perfect boyfriend. He would be whatever my mind wanted him to be. It would be the best relationship ever... except that it wouldn't be a relationship at all. In the end, I didn't go through with my plan. Even at 14 years old I knew that inventing a fake boyfriend wasn't the answer to my problems. (nor was a real boyfriend... but that's a whole other topic!)

This week I finished Acts and started on Romans. I noticed something pretty subtle in chapter 1.

Romans 1:21-23
Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn't worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. The result was that their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they became utter fools instead. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people, or birds and animals and snakes.

Here's what I see...
1. They knew God (v19 instinctively)
2. They wouldn't worship him as God
3. Or even give him thanks.
4. They invented a fake version of God. They made him to be whatever their minds wanted him to be.
5. Their minds became dark and confused. Not wise. Utter fools.
6. They built "relationships" with idols. But they weren't relationships at all.

And so I wonder: Is worship (or even just saying thanks) the key to being in a real relationship with God?

Personally I love to sing and worship God. And I know the transformation that comes to my heart when I let go of my thoughts and throw my hands up to honor Him. But there are some days that I don't feel like worshiping Him or I get busy or I forget or life happens or... and days rush by and I haven't even said thanks to Him.

Looking at those times... my mind did invent a fake version of God. I believed what my mind wanted to believe instead of believing the Truth of God's Word.

I did become confused. The decisions I was making seemed very wise at the time. But I was spinning in circles. An utter fool. I feel sick to think that that could (and at times probably did) lead me to bow down to a counterfeit version god.

I had all this in my mind as we went to church today. As always, church started with worship. Song after song was about trusting God and His promises. I cried a bit as we sang. It was encouraging and set my mind right again. But then came a song that didn't fit. The others all spoke to my heart needs... but one was about God being eternal. I thought: "Yeah, yeah, God's eternal. Whatever. I want to get back to singing the songs that were about me." The Romans passage came to mind. Hmmm. Is that why people don't worship God (or even give Him thanks)? We like to do things we like to do. And worshipping God is about Him... not about us.

So I got over myself (not entirely... just enough to open my mouth to sing). As I chose to worship Him and chose to thank Him... my mind felt clear and hopeful. It was a reminder of true reality: His reality. Oh how good it is. Say no to fake gods (and to fake boyfriends). :-)

The next song was The Desert Song. It perfectly wraps up the hope that I have in this season of trusting God in new ways.

The Desert Song (Brooke Fraser)

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

June: God I do believe, help my unbelief

2009-06-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

It's been three weeks since we returned from Australia. It was an odd feeling not knowing what we were coming home to. I was fearful of us not being able to find work. And I didn't know what we'd do with Avi.

We'd had a taste of peace during our meeting in Aus with missionary friends, Ian and Judy. They said, "If you can trust God to provide for you on the mission field... isn't He big enough to provide jobs for you where you are?"

I was so challenged. Why didn't I think God would do miracles for us in suburban USA?

Josh had a plan: June would be a month to rest and wait on God. We had a tax refund that would pay for almost all of our rent and bills. And he'd been offered part-time work doing media production with our dear friend Adam. He'd also talked to some friends who do construction and could get some hours with them too.

God had provided! But I didn't relax.

I started applying for telecommute design jobs but didn't hear back from any of them. Josh did one day of construction but nothing else was coming up. I began researching medical insurance options and became very discouraged at the cost and low coverage. I was doing all kinds of planning, striving to find solutions, and freaking out.

Josh noticed my tension and worry. He patiently spoke a clear challenge to me: June was to be a month of rest and waiting on God. Why was I freaking out?!

I just wanted to do the "possible" and trust God for the "impossible". But working on the possible things was not leading me to places of peace or faith. I was leaning on my own understanding and strength.

And so I took a step back. For the month of June we are resting and waiting on God. I see now that God has given me the gift of having a month of being a stay-at-home mum. I can give my heart to that fully and trust that God will provide for us in the future.

Josh loves his job with Adam. He's having so much fun. God provided a job that is "rest"ful and joyful.

I'm so blessed to be married to a man who trusts God's Word and promises. I'm so glad Josh is willing to speak truth and guidance to my heart. We're good for each other. :-)

And in July... I believe God will provide for us again. (God... I do believe, help my unbelief)

Mark 9:22b-24
[The boy's father said], "... if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!"
And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

Farewell Lake Samm

2009-06-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Morris Farewell from JJ Morris on Vimeo.

In the desert

2009-06-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

On Sunday Curt shared with the church that our time as staff had ended. Josh and I had a hard time knowing what to say but we wanted to use the time well and not have any regrets.

Josh wanted to thank our church family and make sure everyone knew how much everyone means to us. He was so confident and gracious as he spoke. I hadn't known what to say, but that morning I though to share something God had been speaking to me.

Numbers 11 contains a funny but sad story about the complaining of the Hebrews on their journey through the desert.

4. Then the foreign rabble who were traveling with the Israelites began to crave the good things of Egypt, and the people of Israel also began to complain. "Oh, for some meat!" they exclaimed. 5. "We remember all the fish we used to eat for free in Egypt. And we had all the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic that we wanted. 6. But now our appetites are gone, and day after day we have nothing to eat but this manna!"

About three years ago I read this passage and felt to preach about it at youth group. What I felt was God showing us how the "good things" can hold us back from getting to His best for us. It was a great night at youth group and I moved on to future studies.

But the passage kept coming back to my heart and mind. I felt God show me more and more about it. He was speaking to me these specific things:

- "Provision" = pro + vision = for the vision. God has a vision for my life and the things He provides will be for that vision. Provision does not equal comfort or lack of pain.

- The word "Manna" means "what is it?" It wasn't something the people recognized or really liked. In life I've often said "God, what is this?" when something doesn't seem good or familiar. When I ask God to provide I'm expecting something I like or know. That's not how He works. Why? Again, because He has a vision which He's leading me toward.

- God is able to grow cucumbers in the desert but if He had, the people would have set up camp and not moved on. Manna was enough to sustain them and strengthen them for the journey but it wasn't meant to make the comfortable enough to stay where they were. God's provision is to move me toward His vision.

On Sunday I was really glad to have had the opportunity to share some of this. God's Word is alive and transforming and I know it was encouraging to many people.

So again I moved on. On Monday I went back to reading in Acts and went back to living life. Then last night the passage was back on my mind. When I woke this morning it was still there. My heart and mind kept thinking about it. Over and over. And then God spoke something new about it...

The desert wasn't an accident. God could have had the promised land right next to Egypt. Their travel didn't have to be far. But God intended the desert for them.

- Firstly, they needed to know God. They needed to see Him act, to know His ways, to become His children. In order to see His miracles of provision they had to be in great need. He was displaying His greatness and love. They wouldn't have seen Him if they'd walked right into a land of plenty. The desert was a place of passionate acts of God.

- Secondly, they were unsuitable. These slaves were not ready to be lords. They had a poverty mentality and trusted their own ways far too much. They were debased and uneducated. They were stuck in the rut of their former lives. They were not ready for the promised land. The desert was a place of transformation and preparation.

As we walk through this desert I know that God wants to show His incredible passionate love and provision... AND... He wants to transform us and prepare us to be suitable for the vision He has for our lives.

I am choosing to turn from my former ways. To turn from trusting my own intellect and ways. God is bigger than the medical insurance system. God is bigger than my resume distribution attempts. God is bigger than our earnings.

I am excited for the days of desert ahead of us. I pray that we'll be eager and excited when the Manna comes. I hope I'll be a joy and not a whiner. God help me walk through this desert rightly. I want to be transformed! I want to know You more!

"Normal" life

2009-06-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

I have a faith disconnect.
This is how it goes:
- I know God provides
- Many humans are in great need
- I feel a) selfish asking Him for provision and b) confused that we are still in such great need

Today is my first day of a new season. I'm unemployed and have a baby. So I guess that means I'm a "stay-at-home-mum". For the month of June I don't need to work because we got a tax refund! But I'm wrestling...

I've wanted to have this opportunity. How amazing to have the priveledge to get to focus on being a mum and wife. But I'm not at peace...

Josh encouraged me with some amazing insights. (What a wise man he is.)

He graciously understood that as I'm "spaghetti" (not "waffle") that the fear of tight finances and unknown future is on my mind all the time. He also encouraged me to consider where the fear is coming from. And that's where my faith disconnect is formed.

For years I watched my parents run their small business with great care for others. Many small businesses went under when the recession of the 80s hit Australia. But dad vowed that he wouldn't close his doors while he stilled owed money to other small business owners. He took the financial hit as people closed their doors and walked away from their debts to him. But he soldiered on. I don't know if he did the right thing but I can't fault his heart. I'm so proud of his choice.

During that time, we experienced many miracles. Boxes of groceries regularly turned up on our doorstep. Companies gave my parents grace and extensions in order to help them keep their business running. Sadly, the bank took our home. But it wasn't devastating as it was the same time that my parents sold their business with the plan for us to move to Canada to go to train to be missionaries in Africa. We had sold everything and packed into suitcases. It was a great adventure.

Not long before we were scheduled to leave, the contract for the sale of the business fell through. The sale of the business was going to fund our moving to Canada and then Africa. Everything was on hold. We were homeless but my parents had wonderful friends. We slept in spare bedrooms and living rooms for a few weeks. Then we moved to and from a string of short-term rental units. My sister and I went back to our schools. And we went back to "normal" life.

As soon as I was 15 I started working after school and on weekends. I was so glad to be able to help my family by contributing to rent and groceries. After highschool I went to university on a half scholarship. I worked four jobs during those years. One started at 5am and another ended at midnight. I don't know how I had the energy to study or how I kept my GPA up to keep the scholarship! But I was proud to help with rent and bills. My parents' business continued as they fought to keep it alive. They still held hope that someone would buy it. Years later it did get sold. The money went to pay for the personal loans they had taken to support it. And they still live in a rental house with no good financial solution for retirement.

As they age, my fear grows. Who will take care of them? And as I age... who will take care of me?

I feel that I should be working so I can send money home. I feel that I should be working so we can have medical insurance. I feel that I should be working because women all around this globe work in rice fields from sunup to sundown. I feel that I should be contributing financially so Josh doesn't have to carry the stress that I have watched my parents carry for so many years.

I have worked for the past 19 years. Today is a very different day. More than ever before I'm learning to live Philippians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

I trust God. And I am anticipating His loving correction and guidance. I am looking forward to being free from fear and faith disconnect.

Open doors and specific direction

2009-05-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

We heard back from our Cambodia missions contact, Steve Hyde, last night. He says "So how fast can you get here??" That looks an open door.

But how does God speak? Is an open door a direction to go? Is a closed door a direction not to go? Not really. And in it all, God just wants us to be in relationship with Him. So hearing His voice is important for our relationship.

I was reading in Acts 8 & 9 about specific directions God gave. He told Philip, "Go at noon down the desert road..." He told Saul, "Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you are to do." He told Ananias, "Go over to Staight Street, to the house of Judas. When you arrive, ask for Saul of Tarsus. He is praying to me right now. I have shown him a vision of a man named Ananias coming in and laying his hands on him so he can see again."

Such specific directions! (By the way, it makes me laugh that Ananias debated with God about going. Even when God speaks clearly, we humans like to throw our two cents worth in.)

"...Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles, the kings, as well as to the people of Israel. And I will show him how much he must suffer for me." Acts 9: 15-16

We sit looking at an open door to go to Cambodia. We also have an open door to go to Aus where Josh has an offer to attend Bible College. We have an open door to move to Josh's parents and go back to college. We have an open door right where we are with Josh working for two guys we trust and respect.

Four open doors. Now we want God to tell us something specific. (And God help me not to debate with you!)

Wait to hear God

2009-05-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

On Friday we had a couple of hours with Ian & Judy (www.effectiveaid.org) who happened to fly in from Thailand while we were home. We loved working with them in Thailand and were very glad to once again get to draw from their wisdom and leadership.

As we talked to them about our options and ideas, I realized how scattered my mind and heart felt. It felt like we were cornered and the deadline for making a decision was only a couple of days away.

As Ian and Judy talked the weight lifted and we felt peace. They shared about their call from God to go into missions. After many years of sensing they would go, God made it clear when the time had come. Ian advised us to not make dramatic commitments or changes until we'd heard clearly from God to go.

This fits so strongly with our hearts. We know God is well able to speak to us and tell us what to do. We had felt so rushed to make a decision as we didn't feel we had an option to not make a decision. But now we feel confident to return to the US and trust that God will provide jobs for us until He clearly shows us to go somewhere else. We trust Him. And we wait with expectance that He will show us clearly.

Through earthen vessels

2009-05-21T04:12:00.000-07:00

We met with Paul & Janine (my Aus pastors) today. We sat for hours talking about church, cultures, ministry and the ups and downs of pastoring. I love soaking in their wisdom and hearing about their journey with God.

They are wise and prophetic but didn't have any specific words of guidance for us. (I've been hoping someone godly would have a clear message for us from God!) But our time with them was transforming. For the first time I feel that we both have a right view of ourselves. They pointed out the value of our gifts and experience. They spoke of things they think we are capable of doing. It was surprising and so encouraging.

Paul encouraged Josh to not be afraid of opportunities that seem to big or beyond us. To not be afraid to grow into the positions we take.

This has caused us to rethink our possible options. We've been looking for things we could do but we should be looking for things we can't yet do... things that we'll need God's bigness for.

It's tiring and overwhelming but we're learning to lean on God in many new ways.

Don't underestimate God's power in the "usual"

2009-05-19T16:48:00.000-07:00

My devotional times with God are biased this week as we look for direction and hope. I'm struggling to find the balance between being wise and faithful in doing the "possible"... and letting go and trusting God to do the impossible. I tend to over-think and analyze things (which is why I'm good at strategic development... but overthinking isn't good when trying to be still and hear God!)

I was finishing the book of John (John 21:3-6):
"Simon Peter said to them, "I am going fishing." They said to him, "We will also come with you." They went out and got into the boat ; and that night they caught nothing. But when the day was now breaking, Jesus stood on the beach ; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. So Jesus said to them, "Children, you do not have any fish, do you?" They answered Him, "No." And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right-hand side of the boat and you will find a catch." So they cast, and then they were not able to haul it in because of the great number of fish."

It struck me that the guys simply went ahead and followed the suggestion by the stranger on the beach. They were experienced fisherman... and the suggestion was a bit ridiculous. But they did what he said and a miracle happened. It made me wonder... do I dismiss simple directions from God?

As we look to God for miraculous provision... I don't want to dismiss opportunities just because... they seem ridiculous or common or because "I've done that before".

Crossroads

2009-05-17T17:32:00.000-07:00

For years we've wondered what God has for our future but we've been so happy being youth pastors that we didn't dream of what else we could do. Now, suddenly, we are standing at a crossroad.

Behind us are nine years with our wonderful church. Ahead are many roads to choose from.
- Stay in our community and look for work
- Move in with Josh's parents in Oregon and go back to college
- Move to Australia to be with my family and look for work (6 month wait for a work permit)
- Take the leap into long-term missions (YWAM? Cambodia? Thailand? Pioneers? Storyrunners?)

God's care is amazing. He knew this road was ahead of us. We found out about our jobs ending a week before a three week vacation in Australia. We're praying for God to show us what's next and we hope to know before we return to the US... which is in 7 days.